Monkey's Uncle
Premiere Issue! April Fool's Day! 1985
Editor: E.T. Babinski
The Man From S.T.O.R.K.
By Bert Atsma
Dr. Ralph Sanity walked up the stairs of the shiny new office building. Gold letters on the front window spelled out: "Paid For By Donations to the STORK THEORY OF REPRODUCTION KLAN (S.T.O.R.K.)"
He mused. "The money these people must rake in . . . " He walked in, and as he followed the arrows to the executive meeting room. He recalled the chain of events that had brought him here. . . .
Dr. Sanity was having his usual after-work drink at Sigmund's Bar and Grill discussing the day's cases with other psychiatrists.
One of his colleagues said to him, "Ralph, today I had one who takes the fruitcake. This guy comes in saying he's sure that storks bring babies."
"Obviously a drunk," replied Ralph's office mate.
"Wrong. In fact he's a Baptist minister who is allergic to alcohol."
Dr. Sanity became curious. "Where did he get this, pardon the expression, crazy idea?"
"Well, it seems there is a new, supposedly fast-growing organization trying to get the 'Stork Theory' equal time in public schools. This poor minister seems to be a victim of one of those high-pressure propaganda groups. Poor guy--his mind is gone!"
Then and there Dr. Sanity decided something had to be done. Somebody had to take up the sword of rationality, and it might as well be him. The barside conversation began to drift into other channels, but his attention remained fixed on this stork problem. Perhaps, he contemplated, he could pose as a believer, actually join a local chapter of this strange "Stork Theory" group, and learn what he could from the inside. When the group of friends broke up to head home for be night. Ralph Sanity didn't remember much of their idle chatter. but all strategy was all planned out.
It didn't take long to locate a chapter of S.T.O.R.K. here in the city, and it was a simple matter to join up. Once they saw his advanced degree and heard his profession of faith in the Stork Theory of reproduction, he was in like flint.
Ralph had, of course, expected this, since pseudo-scientific groups like this one always sought respectability by recruiting as many MDs and PhDs as they could get their hands on. In fact, it wasn't long before Ralph was invited to be interviewed for a seat on the executive committee of the national S.T.O.R.K. organization. His plan, in short, had succeeded beyond his wildest dreams, and much more rapidly. That was a good thing, too, since he didn't know how many more of these absurd Stork Theory speeches he could take listening to. Yet here he was at S.T.O.R.K. headquarters about to be interviewed. Could he carry it off?
He took a deep breath and entered the large meeting room. Four men sat at a big mahogany table with a statue of a stork at its center.
"Welcome, Dr. Sanity! I'm President Adam S. Apple. This is Vice President Wayne Fish, Vice President Henry Morass and Vice President
Kelly Seagull."
"Pleased to meet you, gentlemen. I've learned much from your scholarly works," said Sanity, hoping these words wouldn't be held against him on judgment day. As he looked around at the vacant grins they all sported, he could see he'd gotten off to a good start.
"Please sit down," said Apple, indicating a plush chair. "Let us explain our operation to you. We feel that belief in the Stork Theory requires no more 'faith' than the Birth Theory. Dr. Fish . . . ?" Fish continued.
"You see, Dr. Sanity, the most vehement defenders of the Birth Theory are obstetricians. Obviously. they can't admit the Stork Theory is true, or they'd lose their jobs! Our members, on the other hand, are not specialists in the field, and this puts us in a much better position to view things objectively!"
"If most S.T.O.R.K. members aren't in obstetrics, what field are they in?" asked Dr. Sanity, trying to keep the skepticism out of his voice.
"Well, er, ah, most of them work for us. But that doesn't influence them at all!"
Apple cleared his throat and said, "Dr. Morass, would you like to take it from there?"
"Surely. We feel that this whole birth thing is a conspiracy by the medical profession. They convince people with films, books, and school education that birth occurs. Then those crafty devils put mom to sleep, wait for the stork to come, and the obstetrician gives you the bill! It's all a fraud!"
Ralph Sanity knew it was time to ask a question that had been puzzling him ever since he'd infiltrated S.T.O.R.K. "What about the bulging abdomen during pregnancy?"
"That's psychological," answered Morass. Ralph averted his eyes to conceal his stunned disbelief.
"Vice President Seagull, why don't you take it from here," said Morass as he yielded the floor.
"Thank you. Let me explain our multifaceted strategy to you, Ralph. First, we recruit people with advanced degrees in anything to write books and tracts. Second, we use Madison Avenue techniques to sway public opinion. Third, we rally the public and support politicians who uphold traditional family values. Fourth and finally, we create enough confusion as to our moral and legal objectives that the judicial system bends our way bit by bit. It's all very scientific, you see."
"Well," said Apple, peering at him with an expression of almost hungry eagerness, "are you with us?"
"Oh, yes, certainly, but I wonder if you might clarify a couple of little matters for me. Have you any real evidence that storks deliver babies?"
Dr. Morass waxed quizzical. "Well, ah, no. But it could be true, and that's good enough for us! Have you seen your own birth, Sanity?!"
"My eyes were closed at the time, of course, but I have seen other babies born!"
Seagull interrupted: "Look, Sanity, those heartless, uncaring. ruthless, cunning, and deceptive obstetricians will stop at nothing. You know, place a baby in there beforehand, bring you into the operating room, and pull it out--like a rabbit out of a hat."
Ralph Sanity was beginning to see exactly what he was involved in. Quickly he thought of a persuasive argument. "But you must have seen something come into being through a natural process. Chickens laying eggs, guppies giving birth, plants growing from seeds! Come on men, be rational!"
The four were stunned for a moment. Recovering his composure, Apple said, "Everyone knows animals can give birth, but Human babies are brought by the stork. Surely you don't think God would want people to reproduce by a messy and sinful process like mating, do you?" Apple's face took on a look of suspicion, but vacant smiles reappeared on the other three faces. Ralph knew the jig was up now; he'd put his cards on the table too soon. But maybe he could fire one parting shot.
"Isn't a theory supposed to be based on a preponderance of evidence, not just the bare possibility that it's true?"
"Who can trust evidence that's provided by be very people who oppose us? asked Apple angrily.
In frustration Sanity shouted. "YOU GUYS ARE NUTS!"
This outburst shocked the others out of their blissful reverie, but Apple was already on his feet, shouting, "I knew all along that you were one of them! Bruno! Get in here!" From an adjoining room appeared a hitherto unseen uniformed guard. From the look of the man, it must have taken a mighty strong stork to deliver him. "Throw this spy out!"
With that, Sanity found himself pulled from his chair, dragged down the stairs and sailing toward be gutter. As he sat there nursing his bruises and assessing the damage to his suit, he saw an amazing yet unmistakable sight out of the corner of his eye. About to fly into the window of the S.T.O.R.K. building, was a large bird with a bundle hanging from its beak!
The next morning President Apple turned on the radio. He'd caught the local news and didn't have to wait long for what he was looking for. " . . Yup, he was just sitting there babbling away."
"What exactly was he saying, Officer?" inquired the reporter, eager to extract every lurid detail of the story.
"The same word over and over again. I don't know what sense it makes, but it sounded like, 'Stork,' 'Stork.'"
"Well, there you have it. The officer who found a city psychiatrist raving hysterically in the gutter this morning. Back to you. Don."
President Apple decisively clicked off the radio and called in his secretary. "Sally, write a letter to Frank in New York. Tell him he did a great job on that mechanical stork." A big smile spread across his face as he remembered to add, "Oh, and be sure to finish filling out those new membership papers for Ralph Sanity, won't you?"
Showing how humanlike the juvenile chimpanzee is, compared with adult.
