Monkey's Uncle
Premiere Issue! April Fool's Day! 1985
Editor: E.T. Babinski
"For apes to come out of the trees, and change in the direction of being able to write down (Maxwell's equations (and Monkey's Uncle!--Ed)...I don't think you can explain that by natural selection at all. It's just a miracle"--Freeman Dyson (theoretical physicist)
DO YOU SUFFER FROM MONKEYPHOBIA?--Irrational fears are always the most difficult to eliminate. However, I've found that an irrational story based on our irrational fears often helps us to obtain a firmer hold on our reason. Sound paradoxical? Let's consider a prominent fear since Darwin's day: 'fear of tracing one's family tree back to friendly furry... tree dwellers.'
To discover whether or not you suffer from this fear answer the following simple question: Do you reply involuntarily, "You may be a monkey's uncle, but I sure as hell ain't," whenever the topic of 'evolution' arises in polite conversation? If you answered 'yes,' then the following tale was written especially for you, to help you understand your irrational fear and loathing of the simian species.
FINAL EXAM
For two biology classes at ***** Bible College, recess approached like the awakening of a partially dissected frog from the influence
of anesthesia. The professors of each class began summarizing their lectures. And professor Shlodbender in room 201 trumpeted, "Well class, as I have demonstrated, Scientific Creationism is the only alternative to the godless, atheistic, demon-inspired theory of (pause) evolution." Boos and hisses flew like darts from the student's throats, crucifying that heretical theory to the blackboard. The professor smiled at the response that word provoked from his youthful audience. "I feel confident they have been tutored correctly," he mused in his mind. "Henceforth they will not be deluded, led into sin nor tempted to study evolution for the rest of their lives. But wait. Let's give them the final exam." The professor directed the student who, a moment ago, had emitted the noisiest Bronx cheer, to turn off the lights and switch on the slide projector. Whereupon, an image of a monkey swinging upside down from a tree flashed on the screen at the front of the class. "My what a silly looking simian! Soulless beast! Did we evolve from that?" the professor queried his students, stabbing the screen with a wooden pointer. The class congealed into laughter. "Well, did we?" retorted the professor. "No way!" the class ballooned in unified pride. "Next slide, please." This time a devil-browed reptile flashed on the screen. "And what about this fellow? Are we second cousins?" The class, sensing a greater gap and less humorous affinity with the lizard than with the tree-loper, did not laugh half as loudly as before. But they did manage to babble boisterously a second time, "No way!" Next slide, please." A goggle-eyed fish appeared, staring straight at the students with its mouth opened cavernously. "No doubt this fellow is meditating on the universal mantra of the Hindu religion." One girl, who had taken an elective course in comparative religion, giggled at the professor's jest. The rest of the class remained silent at the sight of the odd alien water breather before them. Not because they'd never seen a fish before, but because their minds were still brooding on the previous creature's ominous looking eyelids. "Now how about Mr. Lipski, here," the professor barked (the class suddenly waking to laughter). "Do we have any great-great-great-ad infinitum grand parents in common?" "No way!" "Next slide, please." A large Campbell's soup can, of Andy Warhol op-art vintage, appeared on the screen. The students were perplexed till they read the label on the can. Then they all chuckled:
The professor read the label out loud for added effect. "And here we have a can of 'Campbell's Primeval Soup.' The directions on the side of the can state, 'Heat for 900,000 years, or until the first self-reproducing organism appears. Then serve.' Do you believe that we originated from that" The class roared out loud with hilarity. "No.. Way!" Some stood up on their desks, pounding their chests, mimicking monkey howls. Others leered like lizards. Still others made enormous rings with their lips. The professor's final remarks, after the class' temperature had descended a few degrees were, "I don't see how anyone can believe that man originated from such a succession of ape-like, reptile-like, fish-like, and soup-like ancestors!" "Yeeeeuck!" the class agreed. "The ultimate lie being, of course, that this soup produced the first self-reproducing organism, the first proto-cell. Evolutionists say it took about three billion years for that cell to evolve into man! But I'll give them triple that! I say such a feat couldn't happen in nine billion years! Or even 900 billion years! Now does anyone here think that we (pause) evolved? Unable to restrain their anti-evolutionary reflexes at the mention of the word, the professor's class proceeded to go totally ape, adopting "No Way" as their banana mantra.
Meanwhile, professor Blinkly, in class 202 across the hall, was lecturing a less boisterous bunch of students on the relatively tame subject of how each human being develops from a tiny embryo. "It takes nine months for a human infant to develop from a single cell. Everyone in this room arose that way, from a single cell. This cell divides and redivides in the womb, passing through unusual stages of development. As the professor lectured he projected slides on the screen of human embryos. ages 1-5 weeks. Commenting on a particular slide the professor chuckled, "I suppose that is what the psalmist David referred to when he wrote about us being "Fearfully and wonderfully made" (see following picture)!
These photos suggest that man is an adult-sized version of a juvenile primate, i.e., not a monkey's uncle, but a juvenile's monkey's uncle.
Showing how humanlike the juvenile chimpanzee is, compared with adult.
Human Embryo at Three Days
The Embryo in the Fourth Week
Face of Human Embryo at Fourth and Fifth Week
At that remark, one girl bolted out of the room, viscerally upset at the sight of her embryological origins. Once in the hall, she heard wails and howls coming from the classroom adjacent to hers. Curious, she crept up to the door and placed an ear against it. Within, she heard a professor mocking the forms of man's assumed evolutionary ancestors -- the apes, reptiles, fish, etc. "He shouldn't mock them so," replied her mind, "none of their forms are any more grotesque than four and five week old human embryos, forms we know we originated from." She then listened as the professor explained how a human being (even given 3 billion years) could never have developed from a single cell. "But, but..." her mind stuttered, "it only takes a human being nine months to develop from a single cell! Certainly there's some plausibility to the theory that..." Her stomach arched painfully, and she withdrew her ear from the door, as doubts began tickling her intestines.
THE TAIL END OF THE DEBATE
At the ***** Scientific Institute two chimps (taught a complex sign language), began conversing with their hands. A hairy discussion ensued. Human researchers, entering the room at the tail end of the argument were only able to observe one chimp gesturing vehemently to the other: "Man, related to us?? NO WAY! He abuses and destroys nature. He fights till death with members of his own species, on a massive scale! And look at the ways this ridiculous creature conceals his hairless hide!" The chimp pointed out the observing humans to his friend. "Our relation? Why I wouldn't have him! Even if some simian Darwinian should prove beyond question that man descended from us. I, for one, will never admit to being a Neanderthal's nephew!"
